Saturday, November 05, 2005

Hidden Agenda

Pretending all is normal,
Knowing that it's not.
Going through the motions,
But before me, a dead stop.
No one can know,
I can't tell.
It'll be out soon enough.
Then, what the hell?
Questions unanswered,
Mystery, deceit.
Who benefits from the secrecy?
Surely, not me.
God, you will redeem this,
I trust you with my all.
Your arms are here to catch me,
So I needen't fear the fall.

I wrote that on October 17, during the time that I knew I was leaving the church, but when no one else was supposed to know. They planned to keep everything very vague, hoping I would just slip away so they could move on as if I had never really been there at all. The only explanation they wanted to give people was that I resigned and they were praying for me as I discerned God's next call in my life. I don't think they wanted anyone to ever know that they asked me to resign. They made it seem that in communicating that it was my idea to resign, it would protect me and give me the dignity of making it my decision. But, I think it was so they didn't have to face the unpleasant reality of the whole situation. They would always be able to ignore and deny any part in the process if it was simply my choice to leave. And then, who looks like the one who is abandoning, giving up? Me. I didn't like that idea (which is why I chose to expres it as a mutual decision). I still don't like that idea. Because, although I agree with their decision that perhaps my leaving is the best thing for the church, the way they went about it makes me feel like they sort of abandoned me, gave up on me. It feels like they couldn't have me out of there soon enough. It's hard to feel shoved out, especially when the place doing the pushing is the church.

That being said, I do know that God's hand is in this and I adamantly refuse to let this experience taint my love for the church as the body of Christ. I do believe that the church is, and should be, a place for people to be embraced, included, and cared for exactly as they are. I am not questioning God; in fact, this has drawn me so much closer to Him and has deepend my dependency on Him. Also, I am not questioning the intended purpose and the role of the church. I certainly question and wonder about the practices of the church, though. However, I want to be careful that my observations are never to tear down, but always to build up the church, dreaming about what it can become and aspiring to make it reality in whatever context I find myself.

1 comment:

Tmproff said...

The church is just a building with 4 walls and a roof in my opinion.

The Church Community is what counts. The people you worship with, the pastor that feeds you, the friends and family that lifts you up and prays for you. These are what defines my opinion of what community is.

I have been through a similar situation that you went through (not to that extent) but I have somewhat of an understanding of how it feels. If you like, I'll tell you about it sometime...just ask!